The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
