she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
