like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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