You just made me feel so damn special
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
