My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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