She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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