Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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