He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can you bring me the toilet please
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
