Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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