evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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