I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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