God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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