the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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