i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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