My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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