she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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