Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
