I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
