I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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