i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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