Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
