I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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