I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
