need another drink. this is the easiest way
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Randomize
