Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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