I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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