Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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