I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
