Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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