JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
