I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
