I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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