i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
