Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
