onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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