I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
