God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
