A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
