dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
