you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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