i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
