I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
wow bdsm is so cute
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
