Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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