Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
