Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think i have two assholes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
