last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is my gift to your gina
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
