I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
