My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
