So drunk its hurt
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
