my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
