The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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