This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
