there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
