I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
