1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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