moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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